Emmanuel Macron Writes Home

Cher Papa, Chère Maman:

Well here I am in Les États-Unis, in Washington, DC, having a remarkably good time in the Country of Buffoons (Le Pays des Bouffons). I have been the guest of the biggest buffoon of all: Le Donald.

I remember when you both thought my Master’s Thesis on Machiavelli and Hegel was a sheer waste of time. You’d therefore be pleasantly surprised how much I have relied on ses pensées Machiavellian this past week in the company of President Donald Trump.

When I was just a schoolboy we had a series of disagreements when I told you that I wanted to be with and eventually marry my Lycée literature and drama teacher Brigitte.

Mais non! you said, she is far too old for you, she is already married, and she has three children about your age. Mon Dieu! you both exclaimed. She is closer to our ages than to yours, you insisted.

As you recall, I was toujours persistent and would sneak out to rendezvous with my beloved Brigitte, so en time you both accepted the inevitable and gave your blessing to my marriage with mon amour.

Eventuellement Brigitte and I settled down, and I entered politics after completing my education. As you know, I ran for President of France last year and won! Quelle surprise!

Alas, my election occurred soon after Donald Trump took office as the American President, and he embarked on a campaign to undermine many international traditions, institutions, and treaties.

It was then that I remembered M. Machiavelli and his advice to leaders: That a sovereign need not be loved or even liked, but should concentrate on making difficult decisions for his subjects. He will as a consequence be feared and respected. This appears to have become the credo of Donald Trump, if indeed he has any understandable credo.

As a result, I began to study Trump and Trumpism with an eye toward insinuating myself into that world; I became the Trump presidency’s Fifth Column (cinquième colonne), intent on subverting its authoritarian goals and chaotic governing methods for the sake of the international community and its need for stability and peaceful co-existence.

Au début Donald and I played dominator games, especially in the public eye. We would vie for the longest and toughest handhold, especially in front of the press, and this progressed to faire la bisse (cheek kissing) every time a camera was near. Sacré-coeur! It was very tiresome to be kissed again and again by this hulk of a man! Alpha male Donald even brushed imaginary dust off my lapels for the cameras.

Mais Brigitte and I had discussed how best to use our visit en Amérique.

At first, Brigitte was entertained at the National Gallery of Art as the guest of Trump’s timid wife Melania, who modeled an expensive white designer hat that focused the attention of the press for most of the day. During that time, Donald and I had discussions about our mutual interests, although M. Trump does not favor acting in accord with most of the treaties and mutual aid pacts that have been signed by our predecessors as heads of state and have governed our countries for many years.

Zut alors, this pea brain with the long neckties ne comprends pas the meaning of these critical documents, and practices being the loudest voice in the room regardless of the subject matter. Tout le monde (everyone) understands this. That is, everyone except l’idiot du village.

I had been invited to prononcer un discours (give a speech) at the most important gouvernement location, the House Chamber in the Capitol Building in the city laid out by France’s own Pierre Charles L’Enfant back in 1791 when Les États-Unis was a very young country.

I therefore seized upon the opportunity to have the attention of the country focused on me to the exclusion of Mr. Trump, and gave the speech of my young life, taking Trump to task on his “America-First” positions on trade, climate change, immigration, the future of Syria, Iran, and the Koreas, and the place of the United States in the world of nations and the global economy.

I emphasized the similarity of purpose of our two nations over the centuries, our two revolutions, our reliance on each other’s strengths through the violent wars and cold wars of the 20th century, and how our soldiers have died for each other (not any Trumps, however, tant pis). I reminded the Congress and the American public of the critical issues of denuclearization and the necessity of strong western alliances to stabilize and strengthen the world in the 21st century.

The reactions in the Congressional chamber were “tremendous” as Donald would say—énorme, formidable. Vraiment!

I think, Papa and Maman, that I have shouldered Le Donald aside in the eyes of the American peuple as un charleton ou faux that he is, and given the American public hope in the future.

Vive la France!

Ton fils aimant,

Emmanuel