Dear President Shithead:

News item:

Jared Kushner’s former school, an ultra-orthodox Jewish institution in New Jersey, is insisting that its students write letters of support to Donald Trump favoring the relocation of the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem. Following is a sample letter that one of the students has prepared to Twitter to the White House:

Dear Mr. President Shithead:

My principal asked me to write you about moving the American Embassy to Jerusalem, and my teacher threatens to make me wear a MAGA cap if I don’t, so here goes nothing.

The Embassy, where white Americans get all the visas they want but black and brown Americans have to go through what is called “extreme vetting,” is really a confusing place. Right now it’s located in Tel Aviv, but I guess if you want to pick it up and haul it on a moving truck to Jerusalem, that’s okay with me. In fact, I’m supposed to tell you that’s a really swell and Bigly thing to do.

(Bigly isn’t in the dictionary. At least not yet. But I didn’t make that up. You did.)

I go to school with a bunch of clones who follow the Repuglican line of thought, which is not a straight line at all but a very curvy and confusing line of squiggly word salad. You really need to collect your thoughts with all the effort you use to collect all the Emoluments out there. At least, that is what my Mother tells me.

I have been taught how to spell and punctuate correctly, but Mr. Shithead, you make all kinds of mistakes. (My teacher told me this, but he doesn’t want me to tell you his name.)

Why didn’t anybody ever teach you about the English language? It isn’t that hard to learn. I am only fourteen years old and I’ve been able to learn much better than you. So would you tell General Kelly to let me into the White House some day so I can show you how it’s done (and have a chat with Mr. Wolff the writer fellow who is making a fortune)?

Anyway, I’m supposed to let you know that it’s A-Okay to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem even if this means another War. Which nobody needs. Except maybe you. And the international arms dealers.

Your friend,

Daniel

P.S. My school is ultra-orthodox which means No Girls Allowed. I don’t know whether that is good or bad. So will you teach me all about Girls please?