Donald and Melania Take Florida

Once more into the breach. Tastemakers Donald and Melania Trump visited Florida to demonstrate their concern about how Floridians rode out Hurricane Irma and are recovering. They dragged Mike Pence along for photo ops.

Melania changed her footwear this time, abandoning her stilettos and donning a pair of dual-toned Chanel flats (which retail for about $750 on the Chanel web site). She also brought along an Hermès Birkin handbag. Such bags, named after the model, singer, and actress Jane Birkin, retail for at least £14,000, or at today’s exchange rate a cool $18,760.

Plus the First Lady’s hair “seemed to be freshly blow-dried, worn in loose tousled curls over her shoulders.” With lovely blonde streaks along the edges. Which costs a pretty penny.

Awesome. Let hot sweaty thirsty hungry homeless Floridians view haute couture to soothe their storm-ridden souls. (They’ll have to settle for genuine sun streaks in their hair from the unrelieved hot weather that plagues them until the power is fully restored.)

The Donald wore his usual long-sleeved black windbreaker with a presidential crest over a long-sleeved white dress shirt, while everyone about him wore shirtsleeves in the Florida heat and humidity.

That’s been puzzling me right along. Why is Donald covering up? Is he afraid that the hurricane victims will contaminate him with their germs if they get too close to him? Must he wear the presidential crest so that everyone will know for sure that he is The Guy In Charge? Or is he simply hiding his substantial paunch?

I’d happily pay a significant finder’s fee to anyone who can unravel this mystery.

Both Trumps wore visored caps again. Melania switched to a plain white one, but Donald wore his own “USA/45/flag/TRUMP” model, retailing for $29 on the official Trump web site, https://shop.donaldjtrump.com/ (which I have discovered has a dizzying array of merchandise for sale in case you need a hoodie or a mug or an ersatz gold coin struck with a bust of Trump at about age 25). One of my favorite products is a T-shirt that reads “BuildTheWall.”

Just about the only thing missing in the huge selection of shirts on the Trump products web site was one that proclaimed “LockHerUp.”

Anyway, even before our intrepid pair reached Marco Island and Naples earlier today for their tour of Florida, Donald pontificated about climate change by stating with assurance that “we've had bigger storms than this . . . if you go back into the ’30s and ’40s.”

Well, yes, Donald, the October 1928 Okeechobee hurricane (also known as the San Felipe Segundo hurricane) had winds of 160 mph and devastated Florida, Georgia, Puerto Rico, and the Bahamas, second only to the murderous Galveston hurricane of 1900. In Palm Beach County alone, “1,711 houses were destroyed and 6,369 others suffered damage, which left about 2,100 families homeless.” Similar statistics prevailed in other parts of eastern Florida. At least 2,500 people died in Florida.

Communities located on the southern and eastern shores of Lake Okeechobee were inundated in 1928 by flooding after storm surges sent water pouring out of the shallow lake over the small dikes.

The Okeechobee hurricane left $25 million in damages, small potatoes compared to Irma’s $80 billion cleanup and damage costs—$50 billion for Florida and $30 billion for Cuba and the Caribbean. That’s “Billions” with a capital B.

Then there were the Labor Day Hurricane of 1935, which crossed the Florida Keys, “the strongest hurricane on record to strike the United States,” and of course Hurricane Andrew in 1992, which caused $25.6 billion in damages chiefly in Florida, Louisiana, and the Bahamas.

Our Dear Leader spoke to reporters in Florida earlier today about climate change—According To Donald—by indicating that “the people of Florida experienced something the likes of which we can say really say nobody’s ever seen before.” Which may be hyperbolic or possibly true, even in Trump World.

The press was also treated to a Trump shout-out to Florida Governor Rick Scott to run for the Senate (and knock out Democratic Senator Bill Nelson) plus Trump’s startling public acknowledgment of Little Marco, with whom Donald demonstrated his power handshake, taking Senator Rubio by complete surprise.

Donald also acknowledged pretty blonde Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, whose campaign accepted a $25 million campaign donation in 2013 from Trump’s so-called charitable foundation in exchange for dropping her nascent fraud investigation into Trump University on behalf of fleeced Florida residents.

And Donald Trump did not fail to acknowledge the media, viz. “even for you fake media we appreciate your help.” Right. Back at you.